When you want to skip the holidays…
We are sisters
We are tied to what our lives should look like
We compare our family to those of our friends
We live in the memories of happier days
We learn to create new traditions
We are sisters
My son isn’t well enough to participate in holidays, birthdays, funerals, or any event that requires stepping out of his comfort zone. But it IS possible to enjoy them anyway.
At first, I tried to persuade him to come just for a little while, but it only made him miserable. He wants to be part of family gatherings, but it’s too much for his damaged brain to handle.
I gave up trying to force it; it just made us both miserable. Now, he’s always invited, and he gets to choose if he wants to attend.
In the last twelve years he’s attended our family Christmas Eve celebration twice. He sat and ate in a room by himself and was ready to leave one hour later.
This doesn’t bother me; I still have wonderful times with family and friends.
Is this how I expected my holidays to look? Not really, but I get to choose how I live my life.
If it’s hard for you to understand how I can have a good time without my mentally ill adult child (MIAC), you should consider these questions:
Do you expect your grown children to be at every family function every year? Even your healthy children? Out of town children?
Is it your child’s job to make you happy?
Why can’t you be happy and enjoy yourself without your MIAC?
If you stay miserable, will it make your MIAC well?
Have you considered the pressure you put on your child by forcing him to attend? Or demeaning her for not showing up?
Would your child want you to be unhappy because of his actions or inability to participate?
“Don’t make yourself miserable because life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.”
There have been years when my son was hospitalized for the holidays. (This time of year seems to trigger increased psychosis in mentally ill individuals.)
One year his sister’s family visited him in residential care.
Another year I took him a meal and small gift. (My biggest issue is what to give someone who is paranoid, delusional, and can’t handle money.)
The point is, your life doesn’t need to look like a Hallmark movie. And your MIAC doesn’t need to be part of your holiday or even your life for you to enjoy yourself.
Don’t make yourself miserable because everything didn’t turn out the way you thought it would. (Read more about how expectations equal disappointment here.)
This year start a new holiday tradition. A tradition of acceptance and joy. You deserve it, and so does your child.
Just for today:
I will release my need to have my MIAC present.
I will create new memories and send well-wishes.
I will enjoy myself during the holidays.
I will focus on my own health and well-being.