We are sisters
We lose control
We are angry
We find new ways to cope
We practice self-care
We are sisters

As mothers of mentally ill adult children (MIAC), we all lose it sometimes. The responsibilities of caring for an adult child living with a mental illness are demanding, frustrating, and complex. Sometimes screaming, profanity, tears, and anger come bursting forth without warning.

When you lose “IT” what have you really lost?

• Patience with the drama

• Control of the situation

• Dreams of who your child was supposed to be

• The fantasy that life will be easy

• Delusions that things can be different

• The ideal that you can reason with mental illness (MI)

• The hope that this can be fixed

• And most importantly, you’ve lost yourself in this tragic disease

Now take a breath. A regrettable outburst does NOT make you the worst mother ever, I assure you. Show yourself some grace. It’s not productive to beat yourself up, and guilt is just another layer of grief. It helps to understand what’s really going on so you can do better next time.

So WHY are you calm and rational one minute, and then completely lose your shit (seemingly out of nowhere)?

• You’re frustrated

• You’re struggling to cope

• You’re tired deep down in your soul

• You’re angry at the lack of treatment options

• You’re heartbroken

• You’re lost

• You’re depressed

• You’re anxious all the time

• You’re stressed to the max

• You’re done being afraid in your own house

• You’re finished bailing your MIAC out of poor choices

• You’re over dealing with delusions, paranoia, demands for money, being disrespected, the screaming and fighting, the fear of violence, the drugs, etc.

How many of these feelings resonated for you?

When you don’t take the time to deal with the emotions that come up when caring for a MIAC, then everything builds like pressure inside a volcano, until one day the smallest thing will trigger you, and BOOM your emotions burst out and spew over everything and everyone.

Here’s an example from my own life: 

“When you don’t take the time to deal with the emotions that come up when caring for a MIAC, then everything builds like pressure inside a volcano...”

Driving to see my son, angry thoughts go through my head. He insists that all water is poisoned and demands that I deliver bottled water each week. It must be a certain brand, the caps need to be tight, and I need to carry them up to his third-floor room. I stew as I drive the half hour to his care facility. I think how unreasonable he is, how this will hurt my back, how I’m so tired of doing this every week. As I get out of the car, instead of a greeting, he has another demand. And I lose it. I scream, berate, blame, and judge him. I’m shaking, crying, and irrational.

What pent up emotions were hiding behind, and fueling, this outburst? Looking back, I was struggling with fear, sadness, anger, frustration, loss, anxiety, and despair all at once.

How did I get to that point?

There are several reasons. See if any of these sound familiar:

• I hadn’t accepted that this is my new normal.

• I didn’t want to believe that my child is lost in the clutches of MI.

• I couldn’t understand why nothing can make it better.

• I spent all my time taking care for and trying to fix my child.

• I refused to put my needs first.

Caregiver burnout is real.

I had to change the way I looked at things and the way I approached each situation. Here’s what I did, and you can, too:

• Create boundaries of what you will and will not do.

• Refuse to be bullied into filling demands.

• Don’t allow disrespect, violence, or drugs in your home.

• Only do things for your MIAC if it doesn’t hurt you, your finances, or your family.

• Put yourself first - do things you love, take care of yourself.

• Realize the world won’t end if you stop enabling your child.

• Do what’s best for you.

Just for today:

I will choose to give up perfection.

I will stop expecting my MIAC to behave the way I want.

I will take care of my needs first.

I will focus on my own health and well-being.