We are sisters
We are envious of other families
We look for a reason to compare
We come to terms with our circumstances
We create new family traditions
We are sisters

If you’re holding on to negative post-holiday feelings, you’re not alone.

The holidays can be especially difficult when your child has a serious mental health diagnosis.

Everywhere you look you see something your family will never have: a happy peaceful holiday. Television commercials, Facebook posts, conversations with friends or co-workers, it’s all the same…happy smiling faces, families hugging, and joyful celebrations.

For many years I felt envious of other families who got to share peaceful, happy holidays. I wanted that so much for myself, but my son was either not invited to family gatherings or he refused to come.

Trying to explain his behaviors, making peace with family after chaos, and wishing he could be part of our celebrations in spite of everything, made every holiday miserable. The harder I tried, the worse the situation became.

“When I let go of the fantasy of what I wanted our holidays to look like, it was easier to create a new tradition based on what my son is capable of.”

After one particularly traumatic episode I stopped. Stopped using force to change the unchangeable.

Instead, I looked at what was important. Did my son need to be at family holidays? Or was that just a limiting belief that I had.

Could I enjoy holidays without him being present? Of course I could. When I let go of the fantasy of what I wanted our holidays to look like, it was easier to create a new tradition based on what my son is capable of.

Holidays were more pleasant; there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. Now I visit with family, and if my son feels well enough, he joins us. That’s happened twice in the last eight years. He stays long enough to eat and then he’s ready to leave.

Other years the two of us have enjoyed a nice dinner. Another time we visited grandma in the nursing home. And some years we simply talk on the phone.

Creating a new tradition around my son’s illness has allowed both of us to enjoy the holidays more. With less pressure and no expectations, I’ve learned to be grateful for the time we spend together, even if it doesn’t look the way other families celebrate.

My challenge to you for the holiday celebrations ahead in the new year is:

1. Let go of envy: Stop trying to be like the neighbors.

2. Realize your holiday expectations are unrealistic and unsustainable.

3. Choose to create a new way to celebrate future holidays with your mentally ill adult child (MIAC).

Of course, I realize this may not be possible for you. Your child may not be well enough to participate — he or she may cause havoc — BUT you decide how you will spend your holidays. (You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, right?)

It’s time to try something different.

If necessary, celebrate separately with your child. You may even need to get comfortable with the idea of not celebrating with your child at all, as difficult as it may seem at first. Many people have changed their expectations to match their circumstances, and you can, too. It IS possible to have a happy peaceful holiday without your MIAC.

Wishing you a very happy and celebratory 2023!

Just for today:

I will choose to give up my envy.

I will stop expecting our family to look like other families.

I will create new traditions that fit our situation.

I will focus on my own health and well-being.