Sometimes it’s not the chaotic events that crush me, but the minutia of everyday life that does me in.

There’s heartache in haircuts, in seeing a healthy young man, in playing with my grandkids, in going to a wedding, in attending birthdays and holidays, in making life decisions for my mentally ill adult child (MIAC).

Everyday there is something that reminds me that my son is sick and will never be well. He’ll never have a “good” life -- never be independent, never drive, never marry, never have children. So many nevers!

I try hard to focus on what’s still left. His sense of humor, his compassion for others, his gentle nature, his ability to get up each day despite his illness. These are what keep me going.

How do you get past the daily heartache of having a MIAC?

It’s a heartache that has no end.

Day in and day out dealing with the chaos, drama, irrationality, paranoia, delusions, and grandiose ideas. It never ends and only becomes marginally easier.

Some days are better than others. Some days I ignore his calls. Some days I make an excuse not to visit. Some days I get angry and blow up at him. Some days I feel hopeful and some days I just feel tired and sad deep in my soul.

There are days I feel embarrassed and frustrated.

Every day I’m grateful he’s not living under a bridge.

My friends and family don’t understand the grief that comes with being the mother of a MIAC. And how could they, really, unless they’ve experienced it for themselves?

There’s no completion, no ending, just changes, degradation, and on-going struggles. I can’t say he’s in a better place, he’s no longer suffering, he’s doing good. There’s no comfort of time passing to ease the pain. Each day is a repeat of the day before.

Occasionally, there are days where he seems almost rational, and we can have a “normal” conversation. I relish those moments, but the flip side of that coin is the reminder that this is who he could have been, would have been, if not for severe mental illness.

How do I deal with this?

I have a daily practice of self-care, I make a gratitude list nightly, and I live each day to the fullest because being miserable won’t make my son well. I use my anger and frustration to fuel my advocacy. I use my voice to speak about the injustices of a broken system. I take time to breathe and be fully present in each moment.

You too can work through the heartache and pain!

Look for the good all-around you, and find things to be grateful for.

Your MIAC doesn’t want you to be miserable and sad.

Live a good life in honor of your child and what they are missing.

Live full out, do the things you dream of doing.

This will enable you to handle all that comes with loving and caring for a mentally ill child.

You will be a stronger advocate for your child if you strive for acceptance, peace, and happiness.