We are sisters
We complain
We wait for our MIACs to change
We begin to accept our child’s limitations
We take ownership of our own happiness
We are sisters

As a mother of a mentally ill adult child (MIAC), you will absolutely have days where you feel sad, angry, frustrated, and stuck in the mire of your child’s disease. You want to wail, lament, and bemoan your fate. Howl at your powerlessness to change the trajectory of your MIAC’s life.

We all have days where we hit the proverbial wall. Sometimes we lose our shit. Typically this happens because we have ignored our own needs for too long or given into our child’s demands against our better judgement.

In the past, I’ve made the mistake of stuffing my emotions down deep until one day I’m spewing my anger and frustration all over my son. He can’t help the way he is, and he doesn’t deserve my wrath.

Now when I feel the pressure rising, I reach out to a sister and ask if she’s in the right space for me to vent to her. It’s much more constructive and creates less guilt for me. After all, why am I complaining? I’m just a bystander in my child’s disease.

It’s okay to vent, to purge our innermost thoughts and fears, to ask for support and understanding from our sisters. It’s healthy to acknowledge the heartache that comes from parenting a MIAC.

“COMPLAINING… comes from a place of powerlessness and intensifies the idea that nothing will ever change.”

What’s NOT okay is to fall into the trap of becoming a chronic complainer.

Instead of having the occasional moment of overwhelm, or even a single awful day now and then, you become a martyr and use complaining to seek attention. You may not even be aware it has happened, but this is detrimental to your own well-being.

So what’s the difference between venting and complaining, you ask? They might seem the same, but they’re not...

VENTING can be a healthy expression of emotions that you’ve suppressed. Like a pressure cooker valve that releases steam to avoid a dangerous explosion, venting can provide a much-needed outlet to help you purge negative thoughts and feelings. TIP: get consent before you vent.

COMPLAINING is passive; it keeps you stuck and immersed in your misfortune. It comes from a place of powerlessness and intensifies the idea that nothing will ever change. It prevents you from using healthy coping skills to improve your situation and drains the energy of those around you.

Signs you may be a chronic complainer:

• Your focus is on why you can’t do something or why it won’t work out for you

• You’re only happy when people agree with your perspective on life

• You wait for others to change their behaviors

• You don’t look for solutions to your problems

• You’re surrounded by other complainers

• You refuse to see that you have choices

So how do you stop complaining and improve your life?

If you see yourself in these words and want to change, the first step is recognizing that complaining has become a problem or a problematic mindset for you. Here are six ways to stop complaining and improve your life:

1. Make a commitment to better yourself

2. Surround yourself with women who have a positive outlook

3. Practice coming from a place of gratitude; focus on the good things in your life

4. When you catch yourself complaining, recite the Serenity Prayer

5. Make a list of the choices you do have

6. Focus on solutions instead of problems

A solution is positive by nature and gives you back control over your life. Shifting your mindset to be open to possible answers and opportunities — instead of thinking of all the ways something couldn’t possibly work in your situation and being unwilling to try — is a great way to improve your life.

Lastly, give yourself some grace; loving and caring for a MIAC is incredibly difficult!

For me the best way to stop complaining was to focus on myself and my life, instead of trying to live my son’s life for him.

When you accept your child’s disease prognosis, you lose many of your reasons for complaining.

When you live in balance, you feel less stress.

When you recognize your choices, you will feel happier.

Just for today:

I will choose to give up complaining.

I will stop waiting for my MIAC to change.

I will vent my emotions in a healthy way.

I will focus on my own health and well-being.