We are sisters
Bound by heartache
Adrift in a sea of despair
We grieve a lost child
We share a mother’s pain
We are sisters

The grief that the parent of a severely mentally ill adult child faces is like no other. It’s always there in the background of your life, quick to come to the forefront when you see a healthy young adult doing something you thought your child would do.

It’s there when others talk about their children graduating college, getting married, and having their own children. Your child will have none of those things and neither will you.

It’s like a rock in your shoe. It might be a small pebble but over time it wears on you and until that’s all you can think about. One day you’ll realize you’ve been so consumed by your grief that you’ve lost yourself. You don’t recognize yourself or even remember who you used to be.

“You need to want a better life for yourself, to have a deep desire to do what it takes to live your best life in spite of your child’s illness.”

It’s time to take your life back for both you and your MIAC. Your child doesn’t want you to be miserable even if it looks that way. It hurts them in so many ways to see you giving up your life when they want to be healthy more than anything.

You can make the changes necessary to have a better life, but you’ll need to give up living in your grief in order to move forward. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth the effort. You’ve made the decision, so what now?

You need to learn put yourself first, change your perspective, and find balance in your own life. To do this you need to want a better life for yourself, to have a deep desire to do what it takes to live your best life in spite of your child’s illness.

If you’re ready to take back your life, begin by implementing these steps:

• Learn what real recovery looks like, not what the doctors tell you.

• Identify your emotions and what is really behind them. All your emotional outbursts mask grief and guilt.

• Acknowledge what’s been lost, for your MIAC and yourself.

• Find quiet alone time to finally and fully grieve the loss. Spend 15 minutes a day fully emerging yourself in your grief. Set a timer. Cry, scream, whatever you need to do to let it out. When the time is up take a few deep breaths and go one with your day. You can do this as long as you feel the need. Eventually, you’ll need it less.

• It’s okay to share your feelings with others, just don’t wallow in them. Share what your feeling so others can understand your situation.

• Don’t make yourself physically or emotionally sick by holding it all in. The stress will cause to your body and mind.

• Get rid of unhealthy distractions to focus on healing yourself. Distracting yourself from grief won’t make it go away. The pressure will build and build until one day you break.

• Fill your time with things that bring you joy. This is so important. Look for things to make you smile and laugh.

Your life can only get better from here.

Your child is sick, my child is sick, but you still have choices like I did. I chose to live my life to the fullest, despite my son’s SMI (serious mental illness), despite the reality that I need to be his caregiver, despite the tragedy of a young life lost. My being happy won’t make his life better, but it does allow me to handle the instability better.

Staying miserable makes both your lives worse. Learn more in my book, grief is covered in Chapter 1: Make Peace with Your Grief.

Just for today:

I will choose to loosen my grip on my grief and start to let it go.

I will find things to be joyful about.

I will remind myself that my misery will not make my child well and my happiness will not make them worse.

I will focus on my own health and well-being.